I used to think that there was nothing scarier on Earth than dolls, but there is: disembodied doll heads emerging from the fires of Hell!

Let’s see how that works.

Brideshead Revisited is sitting on my coffee table. I got about two-thirds of the way through it months ago but haven’t bothered finishing it. Don’t get me wrong – it’s been a great read so far; however, there is a romantic love story involved. And no, there’s nothing wrong with sentiment, but I’m worried that M. Waugh is going to resolve the story in the predictable manner: the star-crossed lovers have their night of passion, and then tragic doom ensues.

Honestly, is Romeo and Juliet the definitive word on romance? To which you might respond “Yes,” but why do writers feel compelled to stick to variations on that same tired theme? Sure, the type of tragedy or flavour of doom may differ from story to story, but the course of events is never in doubt and there is no sign that contemporary authors or filmmakers are interested in shaking things up. Atonement was a great book and Cold Mountain a great movie, but neither was surprising. And who likes predictability?

Therefore, I–unpublished, anonymous Internet guy–am calling you out, artists! Give us something new in the romance department! Creative writing is supposed to be your specialty, so be creative! Fine, you can keep your star-crossed lovers, but even I can think of any number of alternative plot lines for love stories (and with catchy names, too!).

The Weird-Out

Protagonist and Love Interest have their night of passion, but it’s really awkward or one of them tries something kinky that freaks the other person out. Afterwards they act all weird around each other, calls aren’t returned, and the relationship ends quickly.

The LTR

Our lovers have their night of passion, followed by another six months of nights of passion, followed by boredom, disillusionment, and passive aggression. A  game of “break-up chicken” ensues, wherein one of them–okay, okay, the guy–starts acting like a jackass in the hopes that his counterpart will break things off; she withholds sex and maybe cheats on him, hoping for the same thing.

The Let’s Be Friends

Our potential star-crossed lovers approach their night of passion but decide beforehand not to ruin their friendship by making things physical, which is the best possible solution because the decision is completely mutual and really, it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyway if you think about it.

The Use and Abuse

Nights of passion, professions of everlasting love, yadda yadda yadda. But then, one of two things happens: the girl finds out that she’s just a bit of action on the side – the guy is already married and has a bevy of other naive women on the go as well; conversely, the guy finds out that the girl is just using him for money and was faking the passion all along. Actually, these two resolutions are not mutually exclusive.

Anyway, I was planning a trip with Google Maps and zoomed down to street view. Behold:

You might be wondering what the hell that is. After giving it some thought, it can only be one of two things. The first option is that it’s some crazy 3D street art, but given that this is Calgary, I find that highly unlikely.

The much more probable option is that the poor red car drove into a localized disturbance in the space-time continuum and got trapped in the road. However, it should be easy enough to escape. The driver simply has to fire an inverse tachyon pulse, and maybe reverse the polarity of his main deflector shield. That should take care of it, and without any of the messiness of bringing holograms to life.

…

And that, my friends, is as geeky as I get.

Anyway, it’s resolution time. I’ve never been a big fan of resolutions for a couple of reasons. First, the gym is always packed during January with all the people who resolved to get in shape only to find it’s really hard and not instantaneous, then give up and return to couch surfing sometime around early February. But anyway, they take up a lot of space during their brief forays into healthfulness.

Second, I usually think of resolution material sometime during the year and commence said projects at the time. I suppose I could put them off until New Year’s (resolution: stop procrastinating!), but why bother waiting?

Also, my resolution for each of the past two years was to get something published, and we’ve seen how successful that has been. Does self-publishing count? If so, 50 points for me! If not, then I reserve the right to claim that I made my resolutions ironically because that’s what our culture expects: I didn’t resolve to get something published; I “resolved” to get something “published.”

This year, however, I do have a resolution that I plan to follow through: I am going to learn Spanish. I already know French, and all Romance languages are pretty much the same, right?

The main motivation is a long-held desire to visit Mexico City to see the Aztec ruins and artifacts, as well as Teotihuacan. I’ve always had a passionate interest in the Aztecs, possibly even more of an interest than in the history I actually studied up to and during my Master’s year. I’m not sure what the attraction is. I felt a similar pull while watching the Avatar. Perhaps it’s the theme of fighting doomed battles that I can easily relate to. Or maybe I just like flying serpents.

In other news, I got to spend some time in not-Calgary, and that’s always a plus.

As predicted, I did indeed enjoy Avatar in spite of the one-dimensional characters, predictable plot, and heavy-handed political analogies. Speaking of the plot, it seemed to be lifted directly from Dances with Wolves, right down to the characters.

In all other respects, I can only say good things about it. The world seems utterly real, an effect only enhanced by the 3D. The CGI effects, which in most other movies look lame and cheesy (Hello, Attack of the Clones!), here just look really goddamn cool. I’ve seen one other 3D movie–a nature documentary–and in that case I found it gimicky. But in Avatar, the 3D makes the imaginary world seem all the more real. It was an immersive experience.

The film’s ending was a treat, and I’m glad the political analogies stopped there. Because as everyone who has studied history knows, in these situations in real life, the bad guys always win.

I am not joking. Once you place the various actors in their analogous roles, you’ll see that the same strategies work in each situation.

Men and Women

Job hunting is exactly like dating, and like dating there are immutable gender roles. In this case, job seekers–regardless of thier actual sex–must act like men. Cast a wide net! Do not skimp on the applications – there are plenty of companies in the sea, and companies are picky. You’ll be rejected most of the time; just accept that, don’t take rejection personally, and apply, apply, apply! Eventually you’ll find either a company that you really click with and that wants to hire you just as much as you want to be hired or, failing that, a company you can settle for and that can settle for you.

Employers, on the other hand, must act like women. They are going to be deluged with applications from people who vary widely in terms of desirability. As soon as it is known that there is a job available, job hunters of all levels of education, intelligence, experience, social competency, and literacy will apply. There are also a fair number of applicants who don’t actually care about the job at all, but are hoping to use companies just for the, um, benefits. For employers, it’s a matter of separating the handful of keepers from the legions of chaff.

Criteria

Everyone can name a number of qualities they look for in a job or partner. When you begin your job search, make a list of things your future employer should have, as well as a list of deal-breakers. Also realize that when an employer prepares a job posting, they have similar criteria for their future candidates.

And like dating, as time goes by you’ll find that you’ll become more willing to cross off a few of the must-haves from your list, and some of the deal-breakers become negotiable. On the other side, as the employer rejects candidate after candidate, they too begin to lower their standards. They need someone, after all, and that someone could be you!

Tell Me About Yourself

Your first contact with a potential employer will most likely be through your resumé. Imagine that it’s a profile for some online dating site, and apply the same strategies: exaggerate your good qualities, never say anything bad about yourself, and in general try to make yourself look like the person the employer wants. You may not actually be that person, but as long as the company believes you are–or believes that you’re close enough that you could be with time and a little bit of training–you’re set.

This raises the touchy issue of lying. Everyone is somewhat creative with the truth in a resumé. And like dating, it can get you in trouble if there are follow-up questions. However, if you can get your foot in the door through some minor dishonesty, you may be able to stave off the truth until you and the employer are in a long-term commitment, at which point it’s unlikely that they’ll ditch you if the lie wasn’t serious. And even if it had been serious, isn’t it just easier to stick with the person who’s working for you rather than going through the whole tiresome recruitment process again? They might not find anyone better, and they do have you already.

The Set-Up

They say that if you can tap into the “hidden job market,” you’ll have a lot more success than sending out applications to random companies or postings. The hidden job market, as I understand it, refers to the jobs that aren’t advertised but that you find out about through contacts. This is analogous to meeting someone through a friend, and confers similar benefits: there is a mutual acquaintance who can vouch for your good character; the set-up artist knows you both and thinks that you could be compatible (although of course their judgement could be horribly inaccurate); and you may have the first crack at the job so there’s less need to worry about competition.

Courtship

Assuming you pass the initial screening process and your resume makes it into the “maybe” pile, you’ll be called in for an interview. Treat the interview like a date: dress better than you usually do, compliment, express seemingly sincere interest in the job and show that you know about the company–this shows that you think they’re special. Also, listen to what they say.

What’s that, you say? I’m trying too hard to make this analogy work? Don’t take my word for it–below is a list of the top 10 “Interview Killers” from a Yahoo! Hot Jobs article. Take a look and think of how many are equally lethal on a date (I removed the descriptions of each point, but go read the original here after you finish this post and tell me I’m not onto something.):

1. Not knowing your aim.
2. Being too needy.
3. Lousy nonverbal communication.
4. Compromising your position.
5. Falling into the answers-only rut.
6. Rambling.
7. Being overly familiar.
8. Making incorrect assumptions.
9. Getting emotional.
10. Not asking specific questions.

As the interview progresses, you will each be going over your must-have and deal-breaker lists in your head; however–and this is the major difference between dating and looking for work–in an interview you can vocalize your concerns and even make notes, whereas doing so on a date would be a major faux pas.

For example, like many job seekers you are probably unemployed–sorry, “between jobs.” This could be a reddish flag to employers. After all, if you’re such a great candidate, why don’t you have a job? In an interview, employers can actually ask you some form of this question, usually “Why did you leave your last job?” Can you imagine being on a first date and asking “So why are you single?” or “Did you break up with him/her or did he/she break up with you?”

As counter-intuitive (or not) as it may seem, job hunting and interviewing is easier for people who are already employed. Imagine you were an employer evaluating two candidates who were equivalent on paper, but one had a good job and the other had been unemployed for a year. Whom would you be inclined to choose? The one who apparently hasn’t been good enough for any company for the past twelve months, or the one whom another company holds dear? Isn’t it more of an ego boost if someone would leave another company to be with you? If someone is unemployed, they may just be waiting to hop into work with whichever company will take them. Of course, sniping an employee from another company is risky in its own right: if they did that to their previous employer for you, who’s to say they won’t ditch you when an even better offer comes along?

Being employed makes a big difference in interviews too: you feel more confident in your value as an employee, you can pick and choose because you don’t need another job, and so on, as with dating.

So my advice to job seekers is to try to already have a job. Similarly, if you’re single and you want to date, try to already be dating someone.

Chemistry

In interviews, as with dating, the deciding factor is chemistry. The word “chemistry” is rarely used; instead interviewers talk about how well you fit in the team or something like that. It’s the same thing. And like dating, if the chemistry is strong enough, you’ll both tear up your must-have and deal-breaker lists and jump straight into bed–I mean work.

Anyway, the website has the familiar PG-13 warning label, but is it just me or are these warnings getting more ridiculous with time?

Some of the reasons for caution are understandable: everyone knows that seeing sensuality will turn your children into maniacs, not to mention language and “some smoking.”

But how about “intense epic battle sequences and warfare”? Notice that the warning isn’t for violence–no, these are scenes of such epic intensity or, um, intense epicity, that your kids will never be able to feel enthusiasm for the real wars they’ll eventually fight in. After you’ve seen alien dragons fighting gunships, the contemporary wartime pleasures of sending detainees off to be tortured or launching cruise missiles into the desert from 50km off shore will seem utterly blasé.

About a third of what we learned in class was genuinely useful information, while the other two-thirds was YOU WILL DIE HORRIBLY IN A CAR CRASH! OR MAYBE YOU’LL SURVIVE BUT YOU’LL KILL A FAMILY OF FOUR AND THE BABY WILL SURVIVE AND HAVE TO GROW UP WITHOUT PARENTS AND IT’S YOUR FAULT AND ALSO YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL DIE AND YOU’LL BE PARALYZED FOR LIFE!

More on that later. As I said, there was a lot of useful information, such as why you should always use the parking brake, but unfortunately it wasn’t presented in the most compelling manner. I think because the classes are geared toward teenagers, the videos go out of their way to try to connect with “young people.” This means, of course, that you have to make safe driving look cool, and when I say “cool,” I mean this:

You can just picture the middle-aged bureaucrats brainstorming ideas about how to communicate with teenagers: “Young people seem to like the rap music. Let’s make a rap video about safe driving! That’ll make them think it’s cool!”

There was also a video that consisted of several interviews with actors portraying people who don’t wear seat belts. When asked why they didn’t wear seat belts, one of the guys (he must have been at least 25) said “Only geeks and losers wear seat belts.” Ah yes. As everyone knows, every decision you make should be based on what the cool kids will think of you. (On a side note, driver’s ed did remind me of why and how much I loathed adolescence. Not that I’d forgotten.)

The majority of the class material was meant to terrify. I don’t know how many PSAs we watched about speeding, drunk driving, etc., but the underlying message was simple: you are going to die. I understand why these classes ratchet up the fear: it’s to try to scare teenage boys straight. In our class of twelve, there were three members of the target audience. You know the type – those obnoxious, loud boys who constantly try to draw attention to themselves and slow down the pace of the whole class because they aren’t paying attention. At one point, the teacher had every fourth person in class stand up. She said that one year from now, one in four of us will have been killed or seriously injured in a collision. But trust me, random selection was not necessary. We all know who the three casualties will be.

The scare tactics–I’m sorry, “These aren’t scare tactics! This is reality!”–came in the form of PSAs from Australia and Britain, which are incredibly graphic and depressing, and are even more depressing because apparently they are all based on real events (you can watch a couple of typical examples here and here, but be warned – click those links only if you want to stop smiling forever). Unfortunately, I can’t imagine these having any impact on stupid teenage boys; they did, however, succeed in making me terrified of driving. So I guess the moral of the story is that if you’re thinking about learning to drive and want to be discouraged from doing so, take a driver’s education course.